Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
