Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, beer. Big fan.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize