I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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