We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
