The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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