Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
