I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
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and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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