i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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