Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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