another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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