hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
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Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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