According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
