if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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