His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.