is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
