We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
