she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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