I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
