we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
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If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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