meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
