Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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