He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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