we're blogging at a bar
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
