This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We need a shit load of segways right now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
