I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
