I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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