Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
