I faked an abortion last night.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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