I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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