how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
