Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
