We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I stole a fireplace last night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
