Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
