Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
