It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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