It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
