I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
