I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
