Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
