we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
