My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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