What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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