I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
