There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
