I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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