I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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