so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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