Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
