Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
this hospital has no fireball
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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