saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
