I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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