so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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