I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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