my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
