i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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