Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
