I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
