Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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