I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
